


I Don't Love You

by freakofnature



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 30 days of angst and pain, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, I'm apologizing now, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Un-love Challenge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5630392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakofnature/pseuds/freakofnature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>30 days of kagehina w/ each chapter being a prompt from the Unlove Challenge</p>
<p>(updated semi-daily)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Love You

 Shouyou gasps against his boyfriend’s mouth, a breathless sort of giggle bubbling from his lips, “Tobio,” he whines, reaching forward to pull at Tobio’s shirt, wanting him closer. No, _needing_ him closer.

He hurts all over, and Shouyou thinks for a small moment that maybe self harming last night—the night before a match—wasn’t the smartest of ideas. But his parents had yelled at him again— _why are you still dating a boy, you know he’s going to leave you_ —and he couldn’t help it. It was like a moment of weakness.

(it was always a moment of weakness)

(he was weak)

Before he could consider it a bad idea, Shouyou had already cut four deep lines into his inner thigh, letting his tears mix with the blood staining the towel under him.

At least he was smart, he had a towel.

(he knew he did this too often)

He dreads the day Tobio finds out about his problem. His _addiction_.

Shouyou never wants that day to come.

* * *

 

Shouyou finds himself sitting on his bed—no, it was his and _Tobio’s_ bed—mindlessly running his fingers over the puckered skin of his cuts. They were healing well, all things considered, blending in with the hatchwork pattern Shouyou has been creating the past two years.

A yawn breaks Shouyou’s concentration, and he pulls his hand away from his thigh to turn the page. Study materials are spread all across the bed; from his textbooks to his notes to handout sheets to graded homework and even a few books he borrowed from the library.

Tobio isn’t due home from class for a few more hours—thankfully volleyball practice had been put on hold for midterms—so Shouyou sees no reason to keep his cuts bandaged and hidden. He had once read an online report saying that wounds needed to breathe in order to heal, so Shouyou tries his very best to let his self-inflicted cuts heal.

They always scarred, but Shouyou figures that it was his punishment for doing it in the first place.

A tuneless hum fills the room as Shouyou grabs a nearby pencil and scribbles into his textbook. Psychology was hard, but it gave him information on _why_ he was the way he was.

Plus his dream was to help people like him. Give them advice instead of letting them be lost in the sea of their self-doubt. To show them that they aren’t broken for having these urges, for doing these _things_.

He had learned too late that he wasn’t a freak of the universe. And while he hadn’t found any reasonable cause to _stop_ , Shouyou knew that he didn’t want anyone else to go through the same pain as him.

As he continues to study, Shouyou finds himself rubbing at the insides of his thighs once more. In the back of his mind he wonders how Tobio has never seen his scars. They were pale, sure, but they were always _there_.

Then again, Shouyou can’t remember the last time they had done anything past kisses and cuddles on the couch.

College is hard for them—harder for Shouyou than for Tobio, he figures.

Tobio is cool, calm, collected. Except while he was those things, he is _not_. People expect Tobio to rant and throw things and get _mad_. People expect Tobio to be upset about bad grades and to be irritated when he has too many assignments due and not enough sleep.

But people expect Shouyou to be _happy_. To be sunshine personified. He always has to have a smile, something was wrong if he didn’t. A smile and a giggle and a ‘don’t worry I’m fine!’ puts everyone at ease.

Honestly, there are rare times when he actually felt _okay_.

He could function, sure, but it was hard. Hard to smile when he wants to cry. Hard to make jokes about his grades when in reality he’s screaming inside because he knew he failed a test he had studied _hours_ maybe even _days_ on.

Shouyou is always supposed to be bright and happy, and ever since he got into college, all he wants to do was die.

It was only made worse by the fact that he had not told Tobio—his boyfriend since the end of his first year in high school—any of this.

“What are you doing?” Tobio’s voice startles Shouyou from his studies, and the ginger boy plasters a smile onto his face.

Tobio isn’t going to know the difference between a fake smile and a real one.

Shouyou hasn’t honestly smiled in _years_.

But he’s good at acting, he’s not about to slip up now.

_Where are his pants?_

“Studying for a test?” he answers, making a wide gesture to the papers all around him, “Midterms are coming up for me, remember?”

Tobio stares at him a bit longer, and Shouyou imagines breaking his happy character and spilling everything he’s been hiding from his boyfriend, “Oh, I forgot.” Tobio says to him and takes a single step forward.

Shouyou feels his entire body freeze because _where are his pants_? At this rate Tobio was going to see the cuts on his thighs, going to yell at him, going to tell him how worthless and disgusting and _horrible_ he was.

Shouyou isn’t ready for that. Not yet. He feels okay today. Not _great_ , not how he used to feel, but it’s a start. Today was a start of a good day.

He doesn’t want Tobio finding out about his addiction to ruin it.

(he’s selfish like that)

“Why are you so tense?”

Shouyou doesn’t say anything, opting to just fix his eyes on his notes in front of him.

Hopes that Tobio doesn’t see the scars on his thighs.

Life doesn’t work out that way though, Shouyou has realized. He should have been thankful for the years he had with Tobio, instead of constantly wishing for his boyfriend to never find out his secret. He _should have_ told Tobio.

Tobio shouldn’t have had to find out this way.

“What is that?”

He knows what Tobio is talking about, he _knows_ , but Shouyou just looks up and frowns, praying that maybe he was wrong.

“My notes from my psych class?” he picks at the notebook beside him as he hides the fact that his fingers are shaking.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Tobio shake his head, and before Shouyou can stop him, his boyfriend is getting on the bed, shoving his study material aside.

He bites back a shout of irritation. Everything was placed a certain way for a _reason_.

“No.” Tobio is pulling at his leg. Shouyou gives in with no resistance, “What are _these_?”

It’s too late to lie now.

“Scars,” he says shortly, eyes glued to Tobio’s face. Watching him, waiting for his reaction.

He watches as his boyfriend reaches out, fingers grazing along the puckered skin of his scars.

“Shouyou…” Tobio’s voice is soft, but Shouyou doesn’t trust himself just yet.

He didn’t trust life to give him a break. Not now, not really _ever_.

“How long?” his boyfriend asks, glancing up at him. Shouyou feels Tobio press into his thighs and he looks away, “ _Shouyou_ ,” his voice hardens, and nails dig into his sensitive skin. A gasp parts Shouyou’s lips.

Silence settles around them.

“Two years,” Shouyou whispers, not daring to meet Tobio’s eyes. He hears Tobio breath out, feels the way those nails dig harder into his skin. Shouyou bites at his lip.

“Disgusting,” he hears after a while, “You’re _disgusting_.”

He knows.

Resolute with the fact that there was no saving him, them, _this_ , Shouyou takes a deep breath and meets his boyfriend’s gaze, “I’m perfectly fine. I’m functioning, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.”

Tobio’s mouth opens before closing with a snap. “No.” he finally says, “No, this is. This is wrong. You aren’t _right_. Something is wrong with you.”

“Nothing is—” Shouyou starts to reply, but Tobio presses his nails harder into Shouyou’s skin and he cuts off with a gasp.

He not sure if it hurts of if it feels _good_.

“See, this, this _shit_ right here. Is wrong,” Tobio’s not yelling at him like he thought, but this is not what Shouyou wants. He wants Tobio to scream at him, to slap him and hit him and make him feel something other than this _emptiness_ that seems to surround him on a constant basis, “You like this, Shouyou. You like the feeling hurting yourself gives you.”

Shouyou wants to deny it.

He can’t.

Tobio meets his stare head-on with only a frown on his lips.

_Why isn’t he hitting me_?

“Hurt me,” he finds himself saying, eyes widening as the realization of what he says slams into him, “I mean—”

“Oh my fucking _god_ ,” Tobio breathes out, removing his hand from Shouyou’s thigh. He can’t hold back the high whine that sounds from his chest as the painful pleasure leaves him, “you did not just ask me that.”

Shouyou looks away, teeth digging into his bottom lip until it bleeds.

“I cannot fucking _believe_ —”

“Please,” Shouyou interrupts, gasping when Tobio grabs his thigh again, nails breaking open one of the cuts, “ _please_ ,” he begs.

Shouyou doesn’t have time to ask again before Tobio is shoving him down, a snarl sounding in the room, “You disgust me,” he growls, and Shouyou suppresses the shiver that goes down his spine.

“Yeah,” is all he can say back.

* * *

 

Tobio has never been gentle. Throughout their relationship, Shouyou couldn’t recall a time where the word _gentle_ could be used to describe his boyfriend.

But this…the way Tobio was treating him. Made every other time they fooled around seem like _child’s play_.

Shouyou loved it.

Tobio’s fingers press hard into his skin, leaving marks in their wake. Teeth seem to rip into Shouyou’s pale skin and he thinks about how it would feel _great_ to be destroyed at the hands of someone he loved.

Hips rock into the indent of his hip, and Shouyou finds sick pleasure in the fact that Tobio had gotten _hard_ at this situation.

Maybe he wasn’t the only sick one here.

Teeth drag down his neck before they bite into the skin at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Shouyou cries out in pain, his own hips twitching up, “ _Tobio_ ,” he whines.

“Shut up. Just…shut the fuck up.” The words are muffled against his skin.

Shouyou just hums in reply, running his hands through Tobio’s messy hair. He grips it between his fingers and pulls hard on it. The groan that vibrates Tobio’s chest causes Shouyou to giggle.

Fingers pinch at his skin, nails splitting the flesh under them. Shouyou’s giggle breaks off into a whine, torn between wanting more of that sensation and wanting to get away from it.

“I hate you,” Tobio repeats to himself under his breath, between the hot kisses that he trails down Shouyou’s chest.

“Yes,” Shouyou agrees. He also often finds that he often hates himself as well. At least they have that in common, “yes,” he says again when Tobio gnaws at his hip bone, “Tobio _yes_!” his grip in his boyfriend’s hair tightens.

“I said,” Tobio speaks against the bulge straining Shouyou’s boxers, “ _shut up_.”

Calloused fingertips slide along the hem of his boxers, slowly pulling them down. The action seems tender compared to everything else they are doing, Shouyou muses. He expects Tobio to mouth at his dick, to nibble on the sensitive skin in such a way that Shouyou would gasp at the sensation.

What he did not expect was for Tobio to slide his dick along the side of his cheek and _chew_ on the head of his cock.

“Oh, _fuck_!” Shouyou shoots up, fingers pressing hard against Tobio’s scalp, “yes,” he groans again when Tobio only applies more pressure, “Tobio, _fuck_ , I love you.”

Was he dreaming? Had he honestly just fallen asleep on his psych notes and was imagining how it would go down if Tobio saw his scars?

Was this just some fucked up wet dream?

Nails dig into the insides of his thighs once more, the pain sharp enough to drag Shouyou from his thoughts. Through the pain he is aware that Tobio is sliding his dick out of his mouth, and he whines as cool air hits his wet cock.

“Pay attention to me,” Tobio snaps at him. Shouyou presses his lips together in an attempt to stop the giggles from bubbling out.

It doesn’t work.

“Tobio,” Shouyou croons at his boyfriend—are they going to be together much longer?—pulling at Tobio’s hair, “tell me you hate me.” He demands.

An expression flashes across Tobio’s features, but Shouyou isn’t quick enough to catch it in its entirety. Something like concern and disgust melded into one.

“I hate you,” Tobio says after some time, a frown on his face. Shouyou nods and frees his fingers from now tangled black hair, “ _Fuck_ , Shouyou, I hate that you’re doing this.”

Shouyou doesn’t want to hear these things.

His boyfriend ducks his head down, leaning over to press a single kiss just above Shouyou’s navel, “I love you,” he hears the words spoken against his skin, “Shouyou, I love you so much and I’m _worried_.”

He doesn’t want to hear these things.

“Stop.” His voice is loud compared to the soft mutterings Tobio had been saying, and the volume startles them both, “Stop, _stop_. Just…tell me I’m fucked up. Tell me you hate me, that you want nothing to do with me.”

“Shou—”

“I want you to hate me like a hate myself, Tobio.”

The room falls silent at Shouyou’s confession, the heaviness of the situation no doubt weighing on Tobio’s shoulders.

“You were right about me.” Shouyou says after what feels like hours, “I’m disgusting.”

“I didn’t mean—” Tobio’s head shoots up and Shouyou finds deep blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

A part of him wants to smile at making his boyfriend unhappy. Of making him want to _cry_.

Another part wants to thumb the tears from his eyes. To tell Tobio it was all a joke, that he was really okay, see they were _fake_ scars, it was all a joke.

In the end Shouyou does neither.

In the end they end up shoving all of Shouyou’s coursework onto the ground, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

For once, Shouyou thinks that maybe he can get better. With Tobio’s help.

Because Tobio loved him.

* * *

 

_I love you._

_But I cant deal with your issues._

_Im sorry._

_-Tobio_

Shouyou laughs at the note. He wipes away the tears that come unwarranted, assaulting his cheeks with tear that rolls down.

“But you didn’t love me enough to help.” Shouyou says to no one in particular, watching the note blur as tears hit the paper, smearing the ink.

He was alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
